Exhausted

I was so empty today I wanted to skip church, but lacking a real illness I went anyway. It was good to see my church family, a set of rascally siblings I call home, but still, I was glad to leave those conversations and the madness that is Woodstock, Vermont during foliage season.  A languorous, amber solitude in the late afternoon sun was just what I needed.  I brought with me an intriguing book I discovered in the church library, and an old copy of Discipleship Journal. The latter was unfamiliar to me but had several articles by transparent Christians speaking of exactly the fatigue I feel. Everything I read, in fact, pointed me to the same cause and the same remedy.  I am weary because I am trying to achieve excellent things by my flawed and inadequate self; genuine dependence on Christ is the answer.  These walls have to go. This prayerless habit has to go. Those fatuous ideals have to go.

Long seasons without rest or refreshment grind me down. Sundays are meant for rest in my home, but church takes most of the day, after Sunday school, worship, an extended fellowship hour, and the long drives to and fro. Sundays are not what I wish, and I crave the retreats I used to take once a quarter. That was before I had teen students who need me to guide them daily through their rigorous education. I look back fondly on the days of phonics and field trips. Ah well. 

Tonight I will stay out in our guest cabin and call it good enough. Prayer and praise. Silence, solitude, and sleep. 

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Faith is Not Enough

There I was, in church, listening to the sermon and struck by a discord. The presentation of the basic evangelical message clashed with the message I was mulling over from The Emperor’s Club. Both spoke of a way of life. One offered safety, while the other urged excellence.

I have heard countless times the futility of earning a way into God’s favor, favor which He bestows on us not for any merit of our own but freely.  In a common metaphor, our sins pile up like debts on a ledger sheet.  God the Father both wiped them out by laying them on Christ and gave us infinite credit by reckoning to us Christ’s infinite holiness.  With our sinful nature judged to the cross of atonement, no longer does our moral filth stand between us and the holy God; He Himself cleansed His people and restored a loving relationship between Creator and creature.

Okay, I get this. But what troubles me is when leaders in my Protestant circles conclude, “And now we are free in Christ.”  The work is done. We are in. We’re safe. In their desire to warn us away from a natural tendency to earn God’s blessing by keeping His laws, they dance skittishly away from His law altogether. Distancing themselves from a rules-based righteousness, they make little of the need for self-discipline. Many Protestants seem to be satisfied merely with the news that Christians are free from a system of dos and don’ts.

Well, I am not satisfied. Truth is, I am not free. I have yet to know true liberty that comes from wanting what God wants, loving as God loves, doing as God calls me to.  It troubles me that I cannot do these things, and I cannot be content in my state.  Shall I always be so impoverished in character?

I kept thinking back to the movie we watched on Friday night, The Emperor’s Club. Mr. Hundert, a classics professor at a prep school, engagingly urged the boys to build the kind of excellent character that made great men.  Meaningful contribution to the world is predicated upon diligence, a commitment to integrity, and a view toward serving something greater than oneself.

The students became men of good character because they embraced this vision of manhood. Imagine if they had settled for, “Hard work and sacrifice does not guarantee you an important place in society. Just remember that your mother loves you no matter how you turn out.”

My mother does love me and my heavenly Father demonstrates an enduring love for me at the cross. Now what? Now I serve with my gifts. Now I work diligently to improve my character. Now I trust in the same dynamic power that raised Christ from the dead to be raised from my dead ways. Not content to merely be given a place in the arena, I want to run to win.

The thing I love about the classical Greeks (and Romans) is they discovered on their own, apart from revelation from God, the nature of man and how to develop excellent character. Their vision is consistent with the Bible. In some way I don’t quite understand the liberal arts give a man the freedom to do as he ought, to love what he should, to subdue his beastly nature to live wisely and well.   The idea that anyone’s position alone gave him ultimate safety was laughable to the best of these philosophers.  Every man must earn the respect of his community through good character. Even more, his self-respect is subordinate to his success in self-discipline.

I am in my fifth decade and almost at the end of my home schooling life.  I do not feel as pliant and green as I did when I began. Habits have hardened like bends in a lazy tree. I have come late to this teaching!

It really is a blessing to me and my family that we have been working with Classical Conversations. Now in our fifth year, the hard work is  translating into a better use of time, an interest in the excellent, a power for persuasion.  Not satisfied with successes of the past and not defined by the many failures, we keep moving forward.

I live by my faith, but I add to it my work. While free from the burden of trying to earn God’s favor by keeping countless rules, I bind myself to the labor of mastering the liberal arts, so I may be wise. That is true liberty.

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Man in the Moon, God in the Sun

I write once a month for the Classical Conversations blog, and that exercise just about uses up all my free writing time!  Today’s post here is a link to my post there.

https://www.classicalconversations.com/easyblog/man-in-the-moon-god-in-the-sun

George Herbert’s poem “The Church-porch” got me thinking about several aspects of raising our children to be free souls, able to govern themselves and choose wisely.

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The Mandala Fellowship in Florence

My friends, you simply must see what my son is writing about as his fellowship lives in Florence for two weeks.  He is the official spokesman for the Mandala Fellowship, an extension of Classical Conversations for students seeking the next step in their liberal arts education.

http://mandalaexpedition.blogspot.com/

He has been sending summaries of their experiences but this last one, Tales of Tuscany, stands above them all. If you read only one, this is it.

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Psalm 19 Integration with Challenge B

Hello dear Readers,

This is one of those posts that is for fellow Classical Conversations Challenge B tutors.  I am trying to make a document of mine available to tutors around the country.   This one is a PDF of my notes on Psalm 19, namely connections I can make between it and some of the concepts we work with in the course of our first semester. Use it as you like!

Psalm 19 NIV integration with Ch B

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Isn’t Life Wonderful??

My own children astound me as I work with them on their assignments. I see their giftings come forward. Daughter wants her timeline to be a spreadsheet rather than a line across a two page spread, because orderliness matters to her, the artist.  Son is learning how to work with stock trading and has shrunk his losses to 60 fake dollars on the stock market game. (Apparently the market swooped after the students spent their money). Another son has pretty much finished his work for the week except for a paper on Copernicus, and I realize he wants to write a long, in-depth paper so why should I force him to keep it short??

Our deep interest falls along the lines of our gifts. I love the teenage years. This period of time between childhood and full adulthood affords young people the time (and they have the energy!) to dig deep into a few areas of interest. And out of this interest often comes that focus for college work.

In my case, I listened to symphonic music on my portable record player and got the know a Beethoven symphony so well I could mentally drop the needle anywhere and continue the piece in my inner ear. I taught myself to play guitar, finger picking.  This led to my BS degree in Music Education and when I taught K-6 music I lugged my beloved guitar to school every day.

I wear my other hat with just as much affection, because my time as a tutor of ten fine students is the high point of the week. We have good times. I love being the argument teacher.  We get into argument in every class–isn’t it wonderful???

And better than that, this pesky hot and humid weather will soon be history as Vermont puts on her finest and invites us to the show. I am looking forward to those crisp nights in early October when I can cook dinner in the fire pit and linger outside afterward with cider, watching the sparks fly upward into the spangled velvet sky.

I have been persuaded to leave the ledge.

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Don’t Wanna

May I cry on your shoulder?

See, the signs are all pointing to the end of summer, the beginning of classes, the return of a tight schedule. Would you believe leaves are turning here? Granted, the brownish ones aren’t the healthiest of trees, but the roadside green is definitely shifting to yellow. Temps at night are so cold I must not leave my parlor window open at night for fear the orchids will wake up and realize they are not in the tropics after all –and we have tomatoes. Yes, my friends, we have seen our first tomatoes in this Vermont valley so we know summer is essentially over.

Okay, okay, so how do you talk someone down from this ledge? You remind me it is not either-or, either summer or winter, but that I am blessed to live where four seasons flourish in their distinct beauty.  Even winter has breathtaking beauty, though it takes a good snowstorm to make us forget the rock hard, grimy, dirty landscape of February.  And really, what is the real problem? It comes down to this: I need some form of outside activity that replaces my morning bike ride.   I need to get my heart pumping, I need to push away from my lesson plans. I need big sky and lots of light.

There is a long list of the benefits of winter.  I came across it as I cleaned my desk this week; my family has contributed to make such a long list I am embarrassed to be whining again. No bugs, no garden work, no more zucchini. Pumpkin-chocolate bread, chili, apple pie.  (I know exactly why I gain weight over the winter, by the way.) Crisp air, wide vistas, tree fractals. Christmas break.

And the glaring omission in this litany is that Christ is in winter too, that even as the earth moves to the other end of the ellipse I can’t get beyond the reach of the Holy Spirit. Silly me. Grace in the past, grace today, and future grace. 

Tomorrow at dinner I will ask my family to help compose a list of all we accomplished this summer.  It hasn’t been wasted and that gives me hope that the days to come will be just as fruitful.

I wish I could store away warm sunlight of June and July against the bitter desolation of February and March. We’ll have to discover again the soul-nourishing hospitality we have so little time for in the summer. Good food, good conversation, good memories to get us through until spring comes again.

To all my teacher and tutor followers: here is to a new year. May the lives we pour out for our students and children come back to us richly as they grow like vines in the summer of our affection. May our labor in the hot fields of the classroom bring an fabulous harvest of character.  May we make it to May…

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A Threesome of Lessons Learned from Circe Institute Conference 2013

Last week I drove down to Baltimore to attend the Circe Institute Conference, an annual gathering for classical educators interested in joining the dialogue about what it means to educate creatures Imago Dei (made in the image of God). This year’s theme was “A Contemplation of Judgment”, in which the idea of assessment of students featured heavily. Is there a better way to assess progress than letter grades? How can a quantitative standard measure qualitative concepts? What absolute standard will we use to measure the children in our care–is it meaningful to compare the performance of students in the class?

Good questions. And the very Andrew Kern who I quote in my blog title heads Circe Institute. Good questions get us somewhere.

Today I will list three threes:

  • three things I learned from the Circe conference
  • three things I aim to do this year
  • three things I learned from Andrew Kern himself

Three things I learned from Circe, either from the lectures or from the recordings from 2012, which I listened to on the drive along the east coast both ways:

  • Three things I learned at Circe:
  1. The ultimate goal of education is Christian character.
  2. A tutor can be a true mentor (and heaven knows we need them).
  3. The soul needs poesy; the imaginative arts are vital to the health of the soul.
  • Three things I aim to do this year:
    1. To become a true mentor: to invest in the personal lives of my students and their families, to see character issues as even more important than content or skills. I want to contemplate the standards in Phil 4:8, the Beatitudes, and 1 Cor 13 (and others that may resonate with me) and find a way to make them the main thing.  This is a paradigm shift for me. I considered the content and skills the most important thing and missed many opportunities to work with my students and children on character. I want to partner with the parents on this.
    2. To train my own children to discern the true, good, and beautiful through practice, chiefly through the humane arts. (Heb 5:14. It says ‘good and evil’ but I think the trinity ‘true-good-beautiful’ applies here)  That means a robust Morning Time (from a Circe 2012 lecture) that includes Bible, Shakespeare, poetry, sight-singing, and Professor Carol’s History of Arts in Western Civilization course. When children are fed a nourishing diet, they will ultimately reject junk food. So with the soul.
    3. To work against multitasking; to order my days aright so I get to everything in its time; to attend to my many responsibilities an hour at a time, regularly, rather than in big urgent chunks as projects. That’s my character issue!

My three key words this year are mentor, character, poesy.  (I define the latter as Sidney does: all imaginative works of art, not just poetry. I haven’t read Taylor’s Poetic Knowledge yet but I picked it up and I am headed that way.)

  • Three things I learned from Andrew Kern, who is a “type”, a model to me of a wise and gracious teacher:
    1. All meaningful endeavors begin with Psalm 51, from a heart that says, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.” This attitude has two parts: acknowledgement of God as the source of my power and wisdom, and the recognition that I just am not all I need to be. God will supply. It is when I think I am competent that I lack His surprising wisdom in the classroom. I absolutely love the moments when I speak in class from a greater wisdom than I possess.
    2. All meaningful endeavor requires the assistance of faithful assistants. We are so much more in community than we are alone.
    3. All meaningful endeavors are ultimately about developing character. Nothing matters more than gaining wisdom.

    Circe Institute Conference 2013 fed my soul. It strengthens me for the work of this new school year. Free lectures are available here: http://www.circeinstitute.org/audio

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Much Ado about Lost Tools of Writing

The classical writing program, The Lost Tools of Writing, is teaching me to write. I have studied it on my own and I have been attending a class. I have watched my son wrestle with the classical writing skills in his online class, and I have copious notes of my own. But I have not written an essay for critical review by master teachers. Until now.

For a year, I have been obsessing about Much Ado about Nothing, Shakespeare’s comedy about the battle of wits between Benedick and Beatrice. I have seen Kenneth Brannagh’s version and at the time thought it was the best out there. Ah, but my daughter turned me onto the London Theatre’s production with David Tennant (the tenth Doctor of Doctor Who?), a fine Scottish actor. http://www.digitaltheatre.com/production/details/much-ado-about-nothing-tennant-tate I also listened to him in an audio production. I ruminated on the way Beatrice’s frightful utterance,  spoken not five minutes into their new relationship, makes a man out of Benedick. As shocking as it is to us, it is absolutely perfect. It has to be said. Her stand forces their love in its very earliest moments to grow up. In writing the following I finally plucked the splinter from my soul and now I can move on.

Benedick Plays the Man in the Play about Nothing

In Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing, Beatrice and Benedick war with words every time they meet. Both protest they remain happily unmarried. Her barbed attacks on him are so sharp, he calls her a harpy; she describes him as dull as mud.  Beatrice’s cousin, Hero, and Benedick’s brother-in-arms, Claudio, are engaged to be married.  By trickery Beatrice and Benedick come to believe each harbors a violent and hopeless love for the other; by trickery Claudio is made to believe Hero has been unfaithful.  As the wedding begins, Claudio rejects her violently and publicly. Hero and her family suffer humiliation and Beatrice breaks down in grief.  Alone in the chapel immediately following, she and Benedick finally speak their love for one another.  To seal it and to acknowledge her sorrow, Benedick asks what he can do to serve her. She replies with cold ferocity, “Kill Claudio.”

While all can agree Claudio grievously offended Hero and her family, some will say Benedick should not accept so violent a charge; some will say he should. Benedick should indeed have accepted Beatrice’s charge for three reasons: Beatrice needs Benedick to defend her family, to show his respect, and to prove his love.

The first reason Benedick should have agreed to Beatrice’s order is that she desperately needs Benedick to defend his new family.  Declaring love for Beatrice is as good as asking her to marry, and this makes Beatrice’s family his own. Claudio has shamed Hero and with her the entire family with his public accusations.  The shocked wedding guests withdraw convinced of Hero’s sin; how could Hero recover without a hero to defend her? Claudio’s offense reeks also because he commits this violence against his generous host, Leonato, who is helpless to defend his daughter against the strength of Claudio’s youth and the power of Claudio’s association with the prince, Don Pedro. But Benedick is uniquely placed to challenge Claudio, having both strength and association.  When Benedick professes love for Beatrice, he virtually pledges to become a part of her family. As Mario Puzo’s Don Corleone of The Godfather would say, a man takes care of family. With her charge, Beatrice challenges Benedick to take responsibility to see that justice is done.

The second reason Benedick should have accepted Beatrice’s challenge is that Beatrice needs Benedick to show his respect. In Act II Scene 1 he refers to her as a harpy and rejects “my Lady Tongue”. In this same scene Beatrice reveals she has once lent her heart to him but he did not behave honorably. In all the bantering between them from the beginning of the story until they profess a new love, she uses her wit to cover her hurt and desire, while he retreats from her as quickly as he can. When he begins to believe she loves him, he is transformed by this news and converts his former disdain into kindness. Never again does he use his wit to abuse her, even as she continues, at times, in her old habits. While both formerly hid their feelings behind their jabbing jests, he lays them aside soonest. He speaks truth to her, and in the chapel recognizes immediately that she has supplied an honest answer to his honest question. Before our eyes we see him shed his habit of jesting and take her seriously for the first time. Beatrice needs to know he acknowledges her deep distress and will honor her by taking action.

Lastly, Beatrice challenges Benedick with this charge because she needs to know the extent of his love.  All these years he has publically forsworn marriage.  His allegiance is clearly given to his brother soldiers. Will he give his heart fully to her?  Only a break with Claudio will demonstrate how much his heart is truly hers.  She knows him ‘from of old’ and tells Don Pedro their history is the reason she puts him down, “So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I should prove the mother of fools.”  By risking his life and limb to avenge the dishonor done to her family, Benedick confirms he is at last putting her needs well before his own. In contrast to his life as a playboy, he takes responsibility for providing justice. Benedick will prove to Beatrice, her family, and his friends that he renounces his pledge to bachelorhood and pledges allegiance to Beatrice.              

Some say Benedick should not have accepted Beatrice’s charge, for Claudio is Benedick’s best friend. Yet Claudio proves himself not to be the man Benedick is, for he easily believes the worst of Hero and rejects her.  Benedick looks past the apparently violent words of Beatrice and affirms her heartache and helplessness.  While Benedick has eyes to see the true Beatrice, Claudio only looks to appearances. In challenging Claudio to a duel, Benedick demonstrates that Claudio loses to Beatrice as nearest and dearest in Benedick’s heart.

Someone might press, “Vengeance belongs to the Lord”, and it is true that the Word of God speaks of working out justice through the law. Yet, just as Abraham raised his knife to kill Isaac, Benedick agreed to kill Claudio and yet was not brought to commit the final act. Abraham proves his love to God; Benedick proves his love to Beatrice. In the flower of time, the fragrant truth reconciled Claudio and Hero.  When Benedick honored Beatrice, it bought more time for events to play themselves out.  Neither Claudio’s friendship nor the letter of the law ought to have stopped Benedick from his course, for Claudio proved unworthy and the broken alliances were healed by grace apart from the law.

Benedick should have accepted Beatrice’s charge because she needed Benedick to defend his new family, to show his respect for her, and to prove his love. As he does so, he sheds his reputation as a playboy and takes on manly responsibility for Beatrice.  He is ready for marriage.  When he counsels Beatrice to “serve God, love me, and mend” he expresses a magnificent change of alignment, both regarding her and God’s purposes for a husband. As for men everywhere, he turns the bend in his road and leaves behind his former way of life to take up the journey with his ladylove.  A bridegroom cleaves to his wife and together they will create something new. Would that all maids would expect their lovers to play the man, and that all men would fight for the hearts of their women.

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Classical Conversations’ Challenge B

Exactly four years ago in the restless discontent between winter and spring, my good friend Marcia persuaded me to consider becoming a tutor for a Challenge program in Classical Conversations.  I was ready to chuck textbooks, to which I had moved out of reluctant necessity. All of my children would move to Classical Conversations in the fall, but this community had yet to establish a Challenge program for junior or senior high children.  Another mother was ready to offer Challenge I and Marcia said the community would be happy with either Challenge A or Challenge B, my choice.

Challenge A intrigued me with its geography strand–after a year of that I would learn the countries and features of the world. Attractive.  Students get a semester’s review of the Institute in Excellence writing program (my kids needed that) and practice it on Newbery books for the second semester. They do mini-reports in biology weekly in a nature journal. They began to study Latin. All this sounded good to me.

Challenge B offered science reports on important scientists as well as essays about Newbery literature. It had the kids discussing current events and participating in a mock trial. It included beginners Latin. Science fair, a mini Chemistry lesson, and a 10 week study of the controversy over how life began–these looked good to me. But the star of the program–logic–kept pulling me back into its orbit.

In the end I realized I could not let anyone else teach this program. Fact. I would be consumed with envy and regret if I passed up this opportunity to learn these things for myself.

So, in April I committed to preparing to become a Challenge B tutor.  Since there was no training available in the north, the Challenge I tutor and I flew to Wilmington Delaware for training, where I met a veteran Ginny Franklin, who laid a solid foundation for my summer studies.  Throughout the golden summer days I worked through Introductory Logic, drew countless documents off the portal for study, read several chapters of Soul of Science, looked into the current events topics, and advertised for students.

My five students and I had a wonderful-scary year, culminating in a mock trial played out in the living room of one of my families and a short story anthology I still show today as a model of what excellence students can achieve at this level.

During the school year I worked hard–maybe too hard–to know my material and a wide ring around it, putting in maybe 20 hours a week in preparation.  Why so much? I was learning what it meant to be classical, studying the material, and researching websites to recommend to my families for their research.  That first year I took debate way too seriously, not understanding at the time that I simply needed to get the students dialoguing. I also needn’t have done the research for the children, since the research skill was the very thing they needed to learn.

Community day more than paid off the work I invested every week. We thoroughly enjoyed our time together. I absolutely love working with young men and women; they are full of life, of life’s questions, of lively conversation. I could tell they felt enormously affirmed in class  together, where their thoughts were taken seriously, where they were challenged to think seriously about what they studied.

Four years later I am still teaching at the same level. Living at a tutor has changed my life.  The material I teach still fascinates me and I find connections everywhere I go. I am getting an education, learning everything I can about classical education and how its goal is to make the man whole, giving glory to God as His image-bearer. I have seen my own children develop in their thinking and writing, in their self-discipline and self-respect.  Classical Conversations has helped my family achieve the goal I dreamed of but despaired of achieving: it prepared my children for the future by giving them the tools of learning so they would love to learn and be able to learn anything on their own.

It gives me great joy to be a Challenge tutor in Classical Conversations.

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